Churn.

I can never write about my day.Maybe THATS why I don't update on a day-to-day basis.My posts are always involved with some incident or thought process during the week that spurs me further to just vent.
I never SAY certain things to people or state my opinion in general sometimes so as to not hurt the other person.I can never do that.I know it makes me sound like a fag, but I KNOW how it feels when someone tells me something that I probably was better off not knowing.Hence I hold back.I let them believe what they'd like to.
This, however comes with a price. You see, I'm the kind that would choose peace over revolting. I take Freud's iceberg theory very seriously.I supress and I supress and I supress.
One day, I can't supress anymore and all hell breaks loose.

Valentines Day.
Love.

I have seen a zillion people boycotting this day.Millions of reasons.Break-ups, fall outs, crushed hearts, scarred minds.Sadness.
I fucking want to slap everyone that makes it that way.
Why must everything to do with Valentine's Day be related to having a potential someone?
Why hold so much anger on a day which is in fact, supposed to be a celebration of love.
EVERYONE has been hurt at some point in their lives.
EVERYONE has been through some sort of emotional trauma (or so they think) at some time or another.

WHEN will people stop being so cliche and spend that day moping about how they're so alone. I would rather give props to those idiots that roam around with red roses and ask for your "fraandship!"

I KNOW for a fact that if I didn't have someone to gush about Valentine's Day with, I'd be FINE.I would not be joining groups on Facebook saying "Fuck Valentine's Day" and "Who needs a Boyfriend/Girlfriend".Seriously.Get over it.

I have BEEN there.If you just suck it up and stop whining, you end up having fun with people you really care about.The people you love.

So THAT has been on my mind all week.I supressed.Its all out now.

I received a double dose of creative enlightenment today.My favourite teacher, of course, was one.She lit up my morning and mind with her thoughts on D.H Lawrence who was probably on crack while writing about "The Best Of School".Her stories and her take on life just make my day so much better.She truly is, along with Owl City that Firewhisky like warmth that fills me up.I also went and saw "Quasar" organised by MIT - College of Design.Talent was all pervasive.There was so much of CREATION around me, I was silent the whole time.I went with an empty mind and boy, was I glad I did.I absorbed every idea, detail, perspective that prevailed.I was impressed.
The freedom they have been given to express is the most awesome accorde moi.

Now, for the MAIN thing on my mind.I wanted to TALK about it.But I realise that talking about it will lead to being told to do the right thing.I do not want to do the right thing.
My japanese teacher called me today.I was in favourite teacher's lecture-thus, was very zoned out and immersed in her pearls of wisdom.It struck me way later.My heart skipped a beat.What if it was a call letting me know about my results? What if I had to endure her disappointed voice of confusion about how I didn't do so well? How do I assume that thats how she'll sound?
For the first time in my life, I gave something every tendril of my concentration.When I sat for that paper, I wasn't sure how I'd do.I was so overwhelmed by the vastness and the time slowly burning away as I focused my eyes on each question, that the confidence I had built up for the past 9 months for the wretched exam gave way.I stumbled so hard.I don't think I'm ever going to get over that.I feel like I have failed in something that I really really gave my all to.
The right thing would be to call her back and just take it bravely.But I'm not ready.Not yet.

I never really talked/planned on talking about this.Freud made me.